I agree that it is probably not a good idea to talk to police about the incident without at least having an attorney present. However, the fact that you have not been charged yet is a good sign. My experience is that the DA'S office will usually charge domestic violence cases very quickly. The fact that you were never arrested probably means that no charges will be filed.
Given the length of marriage and the absence of minor children, you might not need an attorney to get divorced. The Oregon Judicial Department website has a large database of forms you could use to file and complete the divorce "pro se." However, if you are jointly titled on the house you referred to with your husband, or if both your names appear on the mortgage, this may significantly complicate the situation.
Even if you ultimately decide to represent yourself, you should probably at...
I agree with the other comments - this is a very common strategy used by prosecutors in Oregon. However, If the DA does not have a good faith basis for charging you with the new crime (i.e., the alleged facts don't support the charge), then the DA may have acted improperly. In general, the best strategy is to focus on whether the State can prove the charged offense, rather than trying to shift the focus to the conduct of the DA.
I recommend that you consult with, but not necessarily hire, an attorney. Many DUI attorneys offer low cost consultations. If you decide to apply for the diversion program, you can probably obtain the necessary paperwork at the consultation. Or you could stop by the courthouse and get the paperwork. Hiring an attorney would be helpful, but it is not essential to get into the diversion program.
I agree, you should not attempt to act under a power of attorney to make changes to a bank account without producing (1) identification establishing your correct identity, and (2) the power of attorney authorizing you to make changes to the person's account(s). Keep in mind that you have a fiduciary duty under the power of attorney, and that a breach of this fiduciary duty could lead to criminal and/or civil liability.
You most likely do not need to pay taxes on the funds you are scheduled to receive pursuant to the divorce settlement. A money award received as compensation for property going to the ex-spouse is not txabale income. On the other hand, if the money you are receiving is described as "spousal support" in the judgment, then it probably would be taxable income to you. You should review the judgment terms to determine whether the money award to you is described as "spousal support." Good luck.
Oregon law defines domestic violence as abuse between family or household members or abuse between partners in a dating relationship. ORS 107.705 (try Google) further defines those terms, so it is usually pretty easy to determine whether a conviction is considered domestic violence under Oregon law.
If you have a conviction that would otherwise prohibit you from working at Intel, make sure you investigate whether the conviction could be expunged from your record.
Under federal tax law, the primary physical custodial parent (51% or more of the overnights) is entitled to claim the child tax credit for that child. For this rule not to apply, you need a valid judgment awarding you the child tax credit. If the agreement you had with the mother is in writing and signed by both parties, you might be able to enforce this as a settlement agreement and have it out into a general judgment giving you the tax credit. You should consult with an attorney.
Oregon has a speedy trial rule, but only if the defendant is in custody on the pending charge (60-day rule) or an unrelated charge (90-day rule). In is not that unusual in some counties for it to take a year to get to trial if you are out of custody.
From the issues you describe, it appears that you have a strong argument that the mother is not a safe person to have custody of your daughter. At the same time, there is a strong preference in custody cases in favor of the "primary caregiver." It appears that this situation may involve both juvenile law and family law issues, which can be complicated. I do recommend that you at least consult with an attorney to properly evaluate your potential for gaining custody of your daughter. Good luck.