If you want to make sure everything goes to your son and grandson you need either a will or a trust. Otherwise, under NC law without these documents it is likely that all of your assets will be divided between both of your children.
I would wait until you close the estate to shred any documents. When someone passes the Power of Attorney ceases to work. It's a document that allows you to act for someone while they are living. Once they die, the document dies also. The will takes over at that point and if you were appointed as the Executor (male) or Executrix (female) of the estate then you would need to file the will with the court house and begin the job of representing the estate. If your nephew contests the will or your...
Usually when someone passes and their children are still alive, inheriting the asset is not dependent on the estate settling. The asset is technically the childs at the moment of death. If this is the case, then your wife has already inherited and should she die before the estate settles, the assets she inherited would pass by her estate plan to her beneficiaries. If however the will states that the beneficiary must survive the deceased by a set number of days, then one would have to wait until...
It is unclear how the amendment is going to effect wills. It is possible that there will be some challenges which will make it to the courts regarding transfers between LGBT couples. However, wills are not contracts, so there is a strong argument that the Amendment won't apply.
POAs and Health Directive allow appointment of anyone you choose to handle this job for you, so these should be okay.
I am being very careful how I draft documents in light of the new Amendment.
The smartest thing...
You are entitled to be reimbursed for the funeral. I suggest you hire an attorney immediately. This sounds like a very contentious situation, if you are being sued. There is also a great deal at stake; namely the real estate that you state was put in your name. I haven't read the will, so I don't know how to answer the rest of your questions about everything going in a trust.
If your father loaned you $12,000.00 and such loan is not forgiven, by the terms of his will, at his death, then there may be a debt owed to the estate. This debt may be collected by the personal representative of the estate, appointed by the will, at the time your father passes away. The debt may be "enforced" by the personal representative through legal action.
If this property is in fact your mother's, whether the deed has been changed or not, Medicaid will have a lien upon it when she dies. I would recommend that you consult an attorney immediately. There are strategies which would allow the Power of Attorney to rent the land and possibly, preserve it, from such a lien.
I think your father made your brother his representative or "attorney in fact" under his Power of Attorney. If he named your brother to handle his estate when he passes, then your brother is known as the "executor". If your father wants to change either document he would need to see his attorney so that the old documents can be revoked and the new documents created. After the Power of Attorney is created it should be filed at the courthouse. If the old one was filed it will need to be revoked.
I would suggest a trust. The house would be held in trust for five years, after your death, for your husband to use, provided he pays for the taxes, upkeep and insurance. You may put terms in the trust, such as, this benefit is only is in place, as long as he lives in the home, etc. After such time passes, or if the conditions are not met, the house would go to your children.
The family and mother need to see an elder law attorney, immediately. There are things which can be done to protect her. If she is still legally competent a power of attorney over property and medical decisions is imperative. Guardianship may also be necessary. There are many strategies which lawyers skilled in this area of law use to make sure she will not be taken advantage of by predators.