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The biological father must be notified of the proceedings, and he will need to either consent to the adoption or allow his rights to be terminated by failing to object. A social worker will need to do an abbreviated homestudy. The adoption will result in the issuance of new birth certificates for the kids, showing you and your husband as their parents, and you can change the kids' last names as part of the adoption process and on the new birth certificates. Costs will depend on the situation...
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The court would not force her to identify the father, but not doing so does create some risks for the adoption. The notification process will depend on whether WA or OK law applies, but notice by publication would almost certainly be where the birth father resides or his last known whereabouts. If you think this situation is likely to go forward, you should get an attorney on board sooner rather than later. Good luck to you!
In Washington, a child over the age of 14 has to consent to being adopted. The stepfather would not be able to adopt her against her will. The biological father also has to consent (unless he is deceased or has his rights terminated involuntarily).
Since you know his identity, the court will require proof that you actually tried to find the father and personally serve him with notice of intent to terminate his parental rights and proceed with the adoption before it will authorize service by publication. If you really can't find him - which sounds likely! - the court will allow service by publication. From what you describe, it sounds like even if he did get notice, the father would be unlikely to appear or take any other action to...
You can ask the court to enforce an open adoption agreement, but the adoptive parents' violation of the agreement is not a basis for undoing the adoption. If the adoptive parents believe that the visitations are not in the children's best interests, and the court agrees, the court will likely not enforce the agreement.
Whether you plan a private adoption or go through an agency, the father's rights will have to be addressed. He will either have to consent to the adoption or a court will have to terminate his parental rights (unless PA has a putative father registry, which might make terminating his rights easier if he didn't register). You need to talk to an adoption lawyer in PA who is familiar with your specific state laws, but as a general matter, biological fathers do have rights that must be handled...
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Some states have putative father registries that allow you to proceed without notice if a father does not put his name on the registry. A PA attorney could tell you whether PA has a putative father registry and if that would help you. Unless that applies, you will probably need the consent of the biological father for a step-parent adoption (or, if he is served with notice that his parental rights will be terminated and he fails to show up or do anything about it, that should work too)....