It is important to keep in mind that emails, texts and other forms of written communication can potentially be used as evidence in Court. It is up to the Judge to then decide how much weight such evidence will receive. As such, be mindful of what you commit to writing. Think before you hit send, and don't let emotions cloud your judgment.
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Yes, as the biological parent of your son, she has an absolute right to file the motion and the Court may very well defer to her if it is a choice between her and your wife in terms of custody. However, the Court always has the ability to consider the totality of the circumstances and the child's best interests in rendering a decision.
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You always have the right to hire new counsel and should do so if you believe that your current lawyer is not being responsive to your needs. Divorces do take time, and you need to weigh proactiveness with the economic benefits of same. However, your lawyer should at a minimum, be cognizant of your goals and should provide you an explanation of his or her strategy in the case. You may want to meet with your lawyer to explain your frustration, but if things don't change, you should not...
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If you feel that there is an imminent threat to your safety or the safety of your children, you may want to consider filing for a restraining Order. If you want a divorce, you should go ahead and file. As part of the divorce you can address a custody/parenting time schedule for your children.