No, this will not happen. Schedule a consultation with an experienced immigration attorney.
Mr. Shusterman's (former INS Trial Attorney, 1976-82) response to your question is general in nature, as not all the facts are known to him. You should retain an attorney experienced in immigration law to review all the facts in your case in order to receive advice specific to your case. Mr. Shusterman's statement above does not create an attorney/client relationship.
No, you're not eligible for any of what you mention. Kindly schedule a private consultation with an experienced immigration lawyer to explore any other options you may have.
Kindly be advised that the answer above is only general in nature cannot be construed as legal advice, given that not enough facts are known. It is your responsibility to retain a lawyer to analyze the facts specific to your particular situation in order to give you specific advice. Specific answers will require cognizance of all pertinent facts about your case. Any answers offered on Avvo are of a general nature only, and are not meant to create an attorney-client relationship.
Based on these facts you are not eligible. You need to consult with an experienced attorney with more detail on your case to find a relief.