You need an attorney. Your case is too complicated to handle pro se. It also appears that there is more to the situation than you were able to provided in this brief inquiry. There are many good lawyers near you. Seak to several and hire the one you like the best.
I have never heard of someone being arrested and taken into custody for a visitation violation which is a minor offense under the law. There had to be something else going on. Yes he has the right to his visitation hwever as children grow up and become involved in various activities there should be some efforts made to ensure the children are able to fully participate in various activities, sports, extracurriculars etc. If you have joint custody you need to atend mediation. If not you should go talk to a lawyer ASAP so you do not continue to receive citations for failure to allow visitation.
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You are digging yourself into a dark whole by taking the role of the Judge. If your ex refuses to pay for activities, file motion for contempt--you will enable compliance plus recover the costs of the legal fees you will have incurred.
You cannot interfere with his visitation because he is not paying or exercising it as outlined in the agreement. Better choice would have been to modify the parenting agreement to make him understand his actions have consequences.
You recount that the police state that yours is a "civil matter"--yet you are being arrested. Doesn't that hit you as an ironic contradiction.
Nobody likes to spend money on legal fees. But its often the case that you spend them initially to deliver a strong message or end up paying them over numerous years, as you languish in agony.
I see things going from bad to worse--that's just how the cookie crumbles. I advise you to retain counsel who can present your issues clearly and logically.
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