I have asked them to hospitalize me so I don't kill myself and they tell me to just go home and use my skills
You do not have to wait for your treatment team to hospitalize you. If you turn yourself in to a hospital, and explain that you cannot keep yourself safe, they should admit you.
Be aware that once you are hospitalized, it could take some time before you are allowed to leave. They will probably ask you to sign a voluntary 14 day hold. If you consent to that, they can still decide to release you in less than 14 days, or not, but at least you will be evaluated and receive some treatment. If you refuse to sign the 14 day voluntary hold, they will probably place an involuntary 5 day physician's hold and begin the process for an involuntary mental health civil commitment. Then they would either release you or hold a mental health civil commitment hearing with a judge the end of the 5 day physician's hold. You have the right to an attorney at the hearing and one will automatically be appointed for you if you don't have one already. If the judge is persuaded that there is clear and convincing evidence that, due to mental illness, you are an imminent serious danger to yourself or others, or you are unable to meet your basic personal needs, such as the need for food and shelter, the judge will order a civil commitment of up to 180 days.
If you're feeling so bad that you can't even get yourself to the hospital, and you are afraid that you might kill yourself soon, call 911 and ask for an ambulance.
If the police show up, stay calm and be polite, even if you don't want to deal with the police. Cooperate with what they tell you to do. Not cooperating with police can quickly lead to much bigger problems. Police are trained to stay in control of a situation, and the main way they are trained to do this is by using force. If you resist, they will use more and more force. They are likely to use a taser or pepper spray within about ten seconds if you resist.
Is it possible that your treatment team is right, and you can get through this without hospitalization? You probably do have some skills to help yourself. You don't need to do it alone, even if you are going to try to get through this without hospitalization. Think of people you could talk to: friends, family, the pastor of a church, a friendly neighbor, your treatment team. There are telephone support lines you can call: The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255) and the National Hopeline Network 800-SUICIDE (800-784-2433). If you want to chat online, there is https://www.imalive.org/ and http://www.crisischat.org/.
I hope the things I have said help. At the same time that you reach out to get support from other people, try to find that part of your mind that is steady and wise, and give it your attention, so that its power can grow while the power of the destructive parts diminishes.
And I know this sounds cliche, but it is very very true: things always get better.
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