You could ask the criminal court to change the order to no hostile contact, but if the court is not willing to do that, and either one of you violates the order, there are problems. Also, if DCF is involved, there may be a separate court order prohibiting contact, or relying on the order of the criminal court. If DCF is not involved, but you do violate the criminal order, DCF may become involved.
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His attorney or your attorney would need to file a motion, requesting a change in the current no contact order.
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You can write to the Judge asking him to lift the pre-trial condition to 'No Harmful Contact'.
Talk to someone! National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) / www.thehotline.com
The Cycle of Domestic Violence
In 1979, psychologist Lenore Walker found that many violent relationships follow a common pattern or cycle. The entire cycle may happen in one day or it may take weeks or months. It is different for every relationship and not all relationships follow the cycle—many report a constant stage of siege with little relief.
This cycle has three parts:
Tension building phase—Tension builds over common domestic issues like money, children or jobs. Verbal abuse begins. The victim tries to control the situation by pleasing the abuser, giving in or avoiding the abuse. None of these will stop the violence. Eventually, the tension reaches a boiling point and physical abuse begins.
Acute battering episode—When the tension peaks, the physical violence begins. It is usually triggered by the presence of an external event or by the abuser’s emotional state—but not by the victim’s behavior. This means the start of the battering episode is unpredictable and beyond the victim’s control. However, some experts believe that in some cases victims may unconsciously provoke the abuse so they can release the tension, and move on to the honeymoon phase.
The honeymoon phase—First, the abuser is ashamed of his behavior. He expresses remorse, tries to minimize the abuse and might even blame it on the partner. He may then exhibit loving, kind behavior followed by apologies, generosity and helpfulness. He will genuinely attempt to convince the partner that the abuse will not happen again. This loving and contrite behavior strengthens the bond between the partners and will probably convince the victim, once again, that leaving the relationship is not necessary.
This cycle continues over and over, and may help explain why victims stay in abusive relationships. The abuse may be terrible, but the promises and generosity of the honeymoon phase give the victim the false belief that everything will be all right.
James Regan, LL.M*, Esq. (Master of Intercultural Human Rights Law)
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