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Can I send an email to my ex-husband's family with the truth about the abuse he has put on our daugther and me? They're clueless

Castle Rock, CO |

My daughter was sexually (proven) and mentally abused by my ex-husband for years following our divorce and he abused me in every possible way as well during the marriage.
Now he doesn't pay for her any longer and has never paid for her activities or health since the divorce. We don't even know where he lives any longer, but he might even live out of the country. Can I contact his sisters and aunts with questions about his whereabouts and his job and tell about the sexual abuse or can I get in trouble doing so? I would of course just state the facts and nothing else. I don't want my daughter to feel like she has done something wrong to not have her fathers family in her life any longer. They all cut off all contact with us and I can just imagine the lies he has told to be able to do so.

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Attorney answers 3

Best Answer
Posted

I always advise my clients and even my friends about what the best possible outcome could be about taking an action and if there is no positive to simply not do it.

I doubt that you ex-husband's family will ever believe that he was sexually and mentally abusive of my your daughter, as well as abusive of you. So, it id doubtful that your letter will convince them otherwise. I completely understand your desire to want them to see the "truth" of what he has done. But, people are likely to be in a deep state of denial, especially about a family member. You can definitely try. However, understand that your letter will likely not be received and acknowledged for its true intent. They will get angry and upset. They might even file for a restraining order against you for harassment. I have seen this happen before. You can contact them in order to find out his whereabouts to get him to pay child support. However, they will likely not be forthcoming after hearing about the abuse. They have already cut off contact with you, so they have already taken sides. The best way to make sure that your daughter does not think that she did anything wrong is to get her into a good cognitive behavioral therapist. Good luck

The information provided in this answer does not create an attorney-client relationship. If you are interested in his legal services, feel free to call Chris at (303) 409-7635 at his law office in the Denver Tech Center. All initial consultations are free of charge.

Asker

Posted

They would believe it, because they have also seen his strange behavior and commented on it, but you are right that their denial is very strong, because it's easier to close your eyes. Thanks for your detailed answer.

Harry Edward Hudson Jr

Harry Edward Hudson Jr

Posted

I would suggest that you let it go. I doubt tht there is anything that can be gained for either yourself or your daughter.

Asker

Posted

I hope I can prove you wrong.

Harry Edward Hudson Jr

Harry Edward Hudson Jr

Posted

It is of no consequence to me whether or not I am right or wrong. What is of consequence is the future for you and your daughter. I pray that whatever you decide to do and ultimately do, things "work out" favorably for both of you.

Asker

Posted

I didn't mean to prove you wrong personally. I just hope that there will be a time when all child sexual molesters get the punishment they deserve. He has severely messed up the childhood for my precious daughter and perhaps for her whole life. I am spending a fortune on therapists for her and I am in contact with other moms in the same situation. It's sad that child molesters often can abuse children for years and get away with it. That's where I finally would like to see some tougher consequences.

Asker

Posted

Personally mother to mother I say don't do it. Who's to say they wont side with him in this and cause further damage to your child?

Asker

Posted

My child does already not have any contact to his side of the family, because they are all too afraid to speak up. Some of them have told me that they would like to have contact with us, but since they live where he and the grandparents live, they "can't".

Posted

If you are concerned about being sued for defamation, truth is an absolute defense. However, you want to make sure you have something to back up your claims.

Asker

Posted

I sure do have more than enough to back up my claims and wouldn't mention anything where I can't. Thanks, you gave me some hope.

Asker

Posted

Why isn't he in jail if he was sexually abusing your child?

Asker

Posted

Because he is out of the country, and the US law enforcement are not even allowed to question him in the country he is in. They have tried and they have no way to get to him unless he comes back here, which of course he doesn't. Thanks for your questions.

Posted

The key question is what you hope to accomplish by contact your ex-husband's family and telling them "the truth." If you are seeking to establish his whereabouts, just contact them and ask if they can assist in helping you locate him. When there has been a major event such as sexual abuse, I sometime advise clients to work through an intermediary when attempting to reestablish contact with an ex spouse's family. I would also caution that there is some research suggesting that sexual abuse of a child by an adult often occurs when the abusing adult was himself or herself a victim of abuse as a child. Even though it sounds like your daughter may be nearing adulthood, be cautious about encouraging a relationship with the family that may have helped create a sexual abuser.

Asker

Posted

Thanks for your answer. One of the reasons is that he doesn't pay a dime for any of her health costs, academics, sports etc and will not pay a dime towards college for her either even if he has so much trust fund money so he probably doesn't even work. I think that he also might have been sexually abused in the past, but he could still have done a different choice.

Asker

Posted

Dear Mr. Littman, I just re-read your post and you are totally right about being cautious to keep contact with a family which enables a child molester. I would of course never let my daughter have unsupervised contact with any of them.

Asker

Posted

Your answers are always so full with good advise. I can tell that you are a very good lawyer. Happy New Year to you.