Your case is pretty convoluted and you should definately hire a competent immigration attorney. First of all, you are given a 2 year window of opportunity to apply for derivative asylum/refugee and your mom got her asylum back in 2002, so up to 2004 you should have applied and that window of opportunity has long come and gone. You are married to a US citizen spouse and you should apply through her. The immigration officer is not an attorney and they only have a myopic view and knowledge of immigration laws and reguations and is based on the area they focus on. Some, a very small handful are attorneys but most are just bureacrats with some limited training and armed with the AFM-Adjudicators Field Manual to answer questions and provide guidelines for procedures. Hire an attorney to fix your status. Good luck.
Hire an attorney.
Legal disclaimer: The statement above is general in nature, as not all the facts are known. You should retain an attorney to review all the facts specific to your case in order to receive advise specific to your case. The statement above does not create an attorney/client relationship.
You do not have to withdraw the asylum case but you can withdraw the adjustment application that was filed based on the asylum. If you do not it will be denied anyway since you no longer qualify as a derivative asylee. If that happens, or you withdraw the adjustment application, you can either file your own asylum application and then file for adjustment of status based on the new asylum application, OR simply file for adjustment of status based on your marriage to your US citizen wife.
Samuel Ouya Maina, Esq. 415.391.6612 firstname.lastname@example.org Law Offices of S. Ouya Maina, PC 332 Pine Street, Suite 707 San Francisco, CA 94104