6
An Example is Better Than an Explanation
Adoptive parents and “Johnny” meet Johnny’s birth mother at a restaurant for dinner together. Those unfamiliar with open adoption are cringing already, but watch what happens: While the adults try to have an ordinary conversation, Johnny pitches a “terrible-two” fit over his vegetables. Over and over, his outbursts dominate the table, and finally, conversation becomes impossible. On the way out, Johnny pitches another fit over the candy on sale at the register.
Johnny has created a situation where everyone present would love to get away from him, and just find some peace and quiet. But who has to take him home, deal with him, discipline him, and face such problems in the future? And who gets to leave all that whining, shouting, and crying behind?
7
The Moral of the Story:
Johnny’s adoptive parents now know that his birth mother knows what a pain Johnny can be. (Duh! He’s two!) But as they watch his birth mother leave, visibly anxious to get to the quiet of her car, are they really going to worry that she will try somehow to “steal him back”? No! (They almost wish they could send him with her right now!)
The evil they know is tolerable. But if they had never met Johnny’s birth mother? They could imagine all kinds of things about what she might do to “steal him back.” In that case, the evil they didn’t know — the evil they came to fear — could drive them insane.
8
Open Adoption is Built on Everyone's Mutual Love for the Adopted Child
Not everyone likes their in-laws. They come with the deal when we marry. If we get along with them, great. If not, . . . well, we cope. If nothing else, we recognize we share a love of the same person, and that foundation, by itself, is usually sturdy enough to get us through most of the discomforts in-laws may present.
This is similar to open adoption. Adoptive parents may not feel that their adopted child's birth parents would be the sort of friends they would otherwise choose, but they share a protective sense of love for the same child. As with in-laws, recognizing this mutual love can often get parents through troubling times.
9
Affirming the Adoptive Parents As the REAL Parents
One thing must always be unquestioned if open adoption is to work: The adoptive parents are the REAL parents. If birth parents want to see their children growing up healthy and loved, they MUST reinforce the authority of the adoptive parents as the child’s true parents. Biological parents may have given physical life, but the adoptive parents do the hard work of parenting, and that is critical.
And the adoptive parents have final authority in deciding whether the birth parents are performing adequately in this regard. (This authority should not be abused, though: If they use their parental authority as a mere excuse to shun the birth parents without good reason, the adopted child will likely sense this, and probably resent it.)
Comments - add comment