Expert Advice When You Need It Most
Posted over 3 years ago. 1 helpful vote, 0 comments
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Adoption May Be Different Than You ThinkAdoption is a service, true. A service performed by agencies, social workers, and attorneys for birth parents and adoptive parents. But adoption is not a service for your family like an oil change is a service for your car. Many of us love our cars; but if their break-downs get too expensive, we move on. When kids get “expensive,” good parents don’t just “move on.” They respond out of love, seeking not only to remedy the problem, but also to teach the child how to handle that problem alone in the future. 2
Frustration is NormalIt can be tempting to view adoption as an oil change for the family. Infertility treatments can be exhausting (financially, physically, and emotionally), and tired pre-adoptive parents don’t want any more hassles, they just want their child. They want a child put in the tank of their family. Understandable, yes. But that’s just not the way reality works. (If possible, a couple who has grown impatient with infertility treatments might be wise to wait a bit before charging into adoption.) 3
Curiosity is Normal, TooAn adopted child had other parents. That may be uncomfortable — even scary — for adoptive parents, but it’s a fact, and they are better off facing it squarely than trying to live in denial. That child is going to wonder about those other parents. Not out of any effort to reject the adoptive parents (though even THAT is normal for teenagers), but out of ordinary, understandable curiosity. Many of us are fascinated by our genealogical history. Many are not, but either way, these are normal emotions, and they don’t seek rejection, just more information. 4
Open Adoption Recognizes That, Like All Human Relationships, Adoption is about LoveAdoption cannot erase biology. Open adoption understands this. Open adoption affirms the adopted child’s normal curiosity. And adoptive parents who feel secure in their role as parents will sense that if they support the child’s normal curiosity, it will actually make the child respect the adoptive parents more: In supporting the child’s interest in biological parents, they show that they understand the child, and the child will appreciate this. But if they try to squelch their child’s normal curiosity about biological parents, the child will resent this. The child may hide an interest in biological parents out of fear of hurting adoptive parents, but the interest doesn’t go away; it just goes underground. In short, adoptive parents cannot keep their adopted child from feeling love and affinity for the biological parents who gave that child life. Open adoption seeks to give that love and affinity a reasonable role in the child’s life. 5
What You KNOW Can Be Managed. It's What You Don't Know, or Fear, That Can Haunt YouYou've heard it said that known evils are better than unknown ones. If adoptive parents know one or both of their child's birth parents, this knowledge usually calms any worries that the biological parents might interfere with the adoptive family or erode their authority as parents. Click "Next" below for Steps 6 through 9. 6
An Example is Better Than an ExplanationAdoptive parents and “Johnny” meet Johnny’s birth mother at a restaurant for dinner together. Those unfamiliar with open adoption are cringing already, but watch what happens: While the adults try to have an ordinary conversation, Johnny pitches a “terrible-two” fit over his vegetables. Over and over, his outbursts dominate the table, and finally, conversation becomes impossible. On the way out, Johnny pitches another fit over the candy on sale at the register. Johnny has created a situation where everyone present would love to get away from him, and just find some peace and quiet. But who has to take him home, deal with him, discipline him, and face such problems in the future? And who gets to leave all that whining, shouting, and crying behind? 7
The Moral of the Story:Johnny’s adoptive parents now know that his birth mother knows what a pain Johnny can be. (Duh! He’s two!) But as they watch his birth mother leave, visibly anxious to get to the quiet of her car, are they really going to worry that she will try somehow to “steal him back”? No! (They almost wish they could send him with her right now!) The evil they know is tolerable. But if they had never met Johnny’s birth mother? They could imagine all kinds of things about what she might do to “steal him back.” In that case, the evil they didn’t know — the evil they came to fear — could drive them insane. 8
Open Adoption is Built on Everyone's Mutual Love for the Adopted ChildNot everyone likes their in-laws. They come with the deal when we marry. If we get along with them, great. If not, . . . well, we cope. If nothing else, we recognize we share a love of the same person, and that foundation, by itself, is usually sturdy enough to get us through most of the discomforts in-laws may present. This is similar to open adoption. Adoptive parents may not feel that their adopted child's birth parents would be the sort of friends they would otherwise choose, but they share a protective sense of love for the same child. As with in-laws, recognizing this mutual love can often get parents through troubling times. 9
Affirming the Adoptive Parents As the REAL ParentsOne thing must always be unquestioned if open adoption is to work: The adoptive parents are the REAL parents. If birth parents want to see their children growing up healthy and loved, they MUST reinforce the authority of the adoptive parents as the child’s true parents. Biological parents may have given physical life, but the adoptive parents do the hard work of parenting, and that is critical. And the adoptive parents have final authority in deciding whether the birth parents are performing adequately in this regard. (This authority should not be abused, though: If they use their parental authority as a mere excuse to shun the birth parents without good reason, the adopted child will likely sense this, and probably resent it.) Additional ResourcesOpen adoption, like all human relationships, is complicated. Most people involved in one would tell you that it takes a lifetime to learn everything there is to learn about it. A lifetime. And that’s exactly how long adoption lasts for the child — a lifetime.
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