Divorce is stressful not only for adults, but children too. The reactions you may receive from your child(ren) may differ greatly depending on the child and circumstances surrounding the breakup. Fortunately, parents can help their kids during a divorce. Here's how:
1
Get Along with Your Ex
Do not insult or talk bad about your (soon-to-be-ex) spouse in front of, to, or around your children. This is harmful and detrimental to your children. In extreme cases, it is sometimes referred to as "Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)." You should encourage your spouse to be the best parent that he or she can be, even if your spouse was not a particularly good husband or wife. Children need both parents; driving a wedge between your child and the other parent will do grave damage to both or may backfire and cause the child to resent you and defend the other parent. Sometimes the other parent simply withdraws from the relationship altogether; only in the rarest of circumstances is this good for your child. The majority of children charged with crimes in our juvenile justice system do not have the active involvement of both parents.
2
Avoid Involving the Children in the Dispute
Do not involve your children in legal discussions. The financial and legal details of the divorce will only serve to upset and distress your children. Children should not be permitted to (over) hear your arguments and discussions about legal, financial, or emotional issues relating to the divorce. Children should not be informed about what is going on in court and generally should not be asked to make a decision to choose one parent over the other. Your children should not be encouraged to shuttle messages back and forth between their parents; instead, you should communicate directly, politely, and calmly with the other parent about any parenting issues (even if your spouse is rude or unresponsive with you). Never bring your children to Court without prior Court approval.
3
Be a Parent to Your Child
Do not dump your emotional baggage on your children. If you are angry with your spouse, have resentment toward your spouse, or are saddened by his or her actions, you should not discuss these extreme emotions with your children. Your child is not your friend, buddy, and certainly not your counselor or therapist. You are the parent and your children expect you to be in control at all times. If you are out of control, you cannot parent the way you should. Your children need you to be engaged most of all during this emotionally difficult time. If you need to discuss your feelings, hire a counselor or speak with a close friend or adult relative.
4
Reassure Your Children
Reassure your children that both parents love them; tell them directly that the divorce is not their fault and that everything will be okay. In most cases, you should attempt to come up with a game plan (or "parenting plan") so that both parents can be actively involved in your children’s activities. Also, there are “parenting coordination classes” such as “Putting Kids First,” that can be taken to help you work with the other parent for the betterment of the children. Discuss any potential plans or agreements with your respective attorneys, and seek their input, but do not sign anything without talking to your lawyer first.
5
Keep the Routine the Same
Try to maintain the status quo during the divorce as much as possible. The children have grown to expect such routines from you, and you will cause unnecessary stress if you decide to change all things that are familiar to them. If the divorce does not require moving them out of their house, changing schools, or moving to another city, it is not a good time to make these or other changes. If your children have friends they like to play with, family members that they want to see, or adults involved in their lives (that you approved of prior to the divorce), do not cut off those relationships simply because they may be "more friendly" with (or related to) your spouse. Your children should be encouraged to contact these people by telephone or email if they cannot visit in person. You must be the bigger person about these matters. Take the high road, rather than the low one that is so often traveled.
Comments - add comment