Besides behaving as your best self during this time of emotional turmoil, you need to gather the information together that your lawyer will want to see and establish a cooperative relationship with an attorney you trust.
1
Be on your best behavior with everyone.
This is always important. Your soon-to-be ex will always be the parent of your children even if they aren't good people. Your children are counting on you to be there for them emotionally and take good care of them in every way. Do not complain about your "ex" to his/her family, maintain good relations with all family members if possible and do not say anything bad about the "ex" if there is the remotest possibility your children can hear it, first or second-hand. There is nothing to be gained by arguing either. Set your boundaries, do not violate your own boundaries, defend your boundaries with vigilance and dignity. When you need to vent or dish, do it privately with your friends and/or your therapist. Be good, be clean, be attentive to the needs of your children, organize your home and get as much sleep as you can.
2
Gather the documents together that your lawyer will want to see.
This is not fun to do, but you will be so glad you got this done in the beginning. As your lawyer, I will want to see the following documents:
1. Tax returns for the last 3 years, and if you filed separately, yours and the other party's.
2. Bank statements for the last year for all accounts.
3. Credit card statements for all accounts close to your date of separation.
4. The last 3 paystubs for yourself and the other party.
5. A list of all your monthly expenses.
6. A list of all the assets and debts (yours and the other party's) and the documents that verify the list entries.
7. A brief description of all the parenting duties you fulfil and that the other party fulfils.
3
Put these docouments in a safe place that the other party cannot touch.
The other party does not need to know that you are gathering documents. Copy them. Place the originals back where you found them and place the copies in a banker's box or portfolio and store it at a friend's house or place that your soon-to-be ex will never be able to touch. Do NOT keep these documents in your car. Update the information as necessary and place these new documents in that box which is in a secure place.
4
Hire a good lawyer who is a good fit with your personality and your checkbook.
There are many good lawyers with different strengths and weaknesses. There are lawyers who will be a good working fit with you but also strongly advocate for you and protect your interests. You need a lawyer with whom you feel comfortable and who respects you enough to tell you even those things you don't want to hear. There are also good lawyers who will represent for different prices. Beware of hiring the lawyer with the lowest retainer or the lowest hourly rate. If you pay a low retainer, you're might have to begin making payments to your lawyer the next month. If you hire someone who charges a lower hourly rate, they might be inexperienced and end of up spending more time to achieve the same result that an attorney who bills at a higher rate achieves in less time. If you want to get what you pay for, you need to be realistic about what you can afford, and choose an attorney you like and respect who will help you assess what issues are worth litigating.
5
Develop a cooperative working relationship with your attorney.
You want to work with your attorney and be able to communicate with them when necessary. Talk to your attorney about the attorney's expectations and yours. The more realistic you and your attorney are about your expectations of each other, the easier your interactions will be and more trust will build. Talk about how soon you would like to be divorced. Ask about the process of divorce. Tell your attorney what you envision in terms of your relationship with him or her. For instance, if you want your attorney to be on call for you 24 hours per day, you need to say so and then your attorney can tell you under what circumstances that would be reasonable. Or, if you use email communication often, ask your attorney how that will be billed against your account or retainer.
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