Fish where the fish are
To meet a lawyer, you need to be in a lawyer-rich location. Topping the list is Washington D.C., where around 1 out of every 12 people is a lawyer, right behind New York, which has 1 lawyer for every 127 people. At the very bottom of the list is Guam, which has only 1 lawyer for every 734 people, preceded by Arkansas, which has only 1 lawyer for every 507 people.
Go in for the kill
Once you’re in a lawyer-rich environment, you’ll need to go in for the kill. Our survey made it clear that lawyers spend more time in one place than any other: the office. If infiltrating a law office seems impractical or illegal, your next best option is a bar–that is, a bar association event or continuing legal education seminar. Finally, you could frequent bars (where they sell drinks) near courthouses, but exercise caution to avoid alcoholics in legal trouble.
Beware the lawyer personality
Once you’ve snagged a lawyer, beware. According to 20-year psychologist, Dr. Fiona Travis, “the same qualities that persuade juries and win cases can also work like acid on marital relations.” Our survey indicated the same, with one lawyer wife telling us that she endures “power trips” and “being spoken to like opposing counsel." Studies also show that lawyers tend to be defensive, argumentative, skeptical, and anti-social. However, the bright side is that you won’t experience these things often because lawyers are rarely at home. As one lawyer said, “Lawyers tend to be type A workaholics and have a hard time balancing work and family.”
Only repeat things you hear from credible people
Lawyers are trained to destroy witness credibility on cross examination. That’s why if you ever repeat something you’ve heard, you should volunteer the tipster’s name, education, occupation, and criminal history.
Use Latin whenever possible
Lawyers feel warm and fuzzy when they hear Latin. An easy way to use Latin without knowing any is to give your pets Latin names. When you say, “Why, yes, I have a pet! It’s a poodle named Per Stirpes!” any lawyer will turn to putty in your hands.
Make love notes long and confusing
Brevity and clarity make lawyers feel uncomfortable and agitated, much like normal people feel at the DMV. For example, don’t say, “Let’s head back home early for some fun.” Instead say, “Let’s return early to the domicile for some malfeasance.”
Don’t be surprised when your lawyer sweetheart nitpicks everything
When it happens, don’t accuse him of splitting hairs. That would be like accusing a dolphin of swimming. Instead, thank him for being both a gentleman and a scholar.
Always cite sources
When in doubt, point to scientific studies, real or imagined. For example, instead of saying you “feel” that fried Twinkies should be illegal, say they’ve been associated with stroke and suicidal ideation. Your lawyer lover may chastise you for sloppy research later, but will respect your appeal to authority.
Never speak of beliefs not backed by empirical evidence
For example, if you believe in the healing power of magnets, keep it to yourself. Instead, loudly and passionately accuse wait staff and small children of non sequiturs. Throw in a disparaging comment about the American education system for extra points.
Remember, it can all be very worth it
Lawyers, despite their posturing and sometimes-aggressive demeanor, are really very sweet at heart. As one lawyer put it, “I am looking for honesty, loyalty, a good listener, someone who can be confident, a companion and my best friend.” With a little training, persistence and patience, a lawyer can be the love of your life.