NJ child custody laws

I don't agree with the previous answer. I have seen judges in New Jersey rule more than once that a man who steps forward and says "I'm the father" and owns up to paying support and wants to see the child "is the father until proven otherwise." If she tries to deny you're the dad and it later turns out you are, it won't look good for her. Offer to take a DNA test if she denies it - with the proviso that "loser pays" since she's saying the baby isn't yours.

That said, I do agree that a judge isn't going to order that you be present for the birth - it's too ... personal and medical a situation. But once the baby is born, you're in a different boat.

I'd also suggest proceeding with the utmost caution - if she talks to certain women's groups, she'll be advised to play the domestic violence card and then it's your word against hers. She would undoubtedly get a high level of sympathy walking into a court VERY pregnant and complaining of stress. And DV doesn't mean (like common sense might dictate) physical violence -- if she says she felt "harassed", a judge can grant an RO. A shouting argument can qualify. A "threat" to sue for custody can qualify. Contacting her at all after she asks you not to can qualify. Don't find out the hard way how lax the standard can be - the stakes (your relationship with your child) are way too high. Tape all your interactions and don't give her any grounds whatsoever to file.

Send her a POLITE letter letting her know that you want to be involved, want to mediate, are willing to pay whatever support the court requires. Send her a check with "prenatal items" on the memo field and just hope she deposits or cashes it (make a copy before you send it in case the memo field is altered). Send a copy of the letter by "Delivery Confirmation Mail" (not RRR, which can be ignored) and keep a copy for your file. Also, if you're speaking with her, keep in mind that you are permitted in NJ to tape record any conversation (so long as you're a party to it) without informing the other side of what you're doing, and it's saved the day on more than one occasion.

Then back off. Try to keep tabs on where and when the baby is born, but be cautious (no, be paranoid) about a potential "stalking" charge - you don't want to have to try to defend against one. Back off until the baby is born, then file the NICEST complaint possible seeking shared custody and offering to pay support. If she hasn't played the DV card by that point, you'll be referred to mediation. Don't settle for less than shared parenting; even if it's on an escalating scale as a result of the baby's age. If you agree to anything less, have it written in the agreement that the compromise is in light of the baby's age and will be (not "might be") reviewed every 6 months.

If affording an attorney is out of the question (or even if you use one), you absolutely need to look into support groups for non-custodial parents. Don't go this alone, there are too many others who have been there.

One thing I do agree with from the other post - take a baby care course. Call the local hospital and (without getting into details) tell them you're an expectant dad and want to take a course. Get a certificate or letter of completion. If you can't resolve it and have to ask a judge to set the parenting schedule, this can be invaluable. Also, it really can be helpful in how to care for an infant.

For all we hear in the media about "walkway dads", it's good to see someone like you step up and be concerned. Hopefully, you and the mom will learn to communicate and cooperate and co-raise your child, but, if not, you've got to step forward and fight for your baby's right to have a dad.

Good luck with it.