I am looking for a criminal defense attorney for a residential burglary that will work pro bono. It occured in Illinois.

Excuse me but attorneys have to earn a living, support themselves and feed and clothe their families. Most of us do some pro bono work but no one can be a 100% pro bono attorney. If you are looking for that kind of commitment you are probably not going to find it.

You are foolish to refuse the court appointed attorney.

Reasonably speaking, any decent attorney does provide pro bono publico assistance (for the public good0, however, to request a bro bono commitment in a criminal case of residential burglary is improvident. Not only a case like that would take undetermined amount of hours, the very involvement in such case, especially pro bono for a solo practitioner may present a viable detriment to the practice itself.
If you are truly indigent, you may qualify for a judge's appointment of the public defender, yet, to make such request to hard working professionals is improper.

This is a joke, right? Is this Ashton Kutcher? Am I on "Punk'd"?

I am sorry to say that I can not agree with the other answers given by my colleagues. While it may be difficult to find an attorney willing to take a case like this pro bono, it is not impossible. There are pro bono projects by some firms for murder and other serious offenses. In some circumstances, the pro bono attorney can request the court allow for cost of the defense to be paid from county or state funding if you are indigent. These cost would be for experts or discovery practice like transcript fees etc. My advice to you is that you speak to the local State Bar association who can provide you with potential attorneys who would want to consider your case. If that does not yield any results then at least your public defender will be there to help. Remember public defenders provide a great service under a difficult schedule.Talk to them you may be surprised. Good Luck!!