No. Good argument though. Liked the creativity. To get citizenship as a derivative a number of criteria must be satisfied. While it is not importnat the order in which they are, all of them must be satisfied. You are lacking on one major criterion and will have to seek naturalization on your own like every body else.
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No, statutes do not bend accordingly to the prospective applicants wishes, not intended Congressional result.
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No. CSPA does not apply to citizenship.
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