I think your best bet is to hire a professional process server. She apparently knows you are his wife and probably is more than happy to upset you. I think it's always good advice not to enlist family members to serve your court documents.
It sounds like you might be a good candidate for a summary dissolution -- streamlined divorce procedure. You should talk to the Family Law Facilitator in your courthouse to see if you qualify and what forms you need to fill out for a summary dissolution.
I agree that you should get into court as soon as you can and get some orders addressing the assets. You should also contact your insurance carrier and let them know what is going on so there is no gap in coverage. Please feel free to contact my firm if you need assistance. The San Diego Superior Court website also has information about ex parte hours and phone numbers to contact.
I would need more information about your case, but It appears that you are stating that you pay all the health insurance, dental insurance and out of pocket orthodontist fees. Courts frequently have the parents split these additional [see Family Code Section 4062 re additional child support/ mandatory add-ons]. However, a party can present evidence why the other party should have to pay more than half of these additional costs. In any case, you should certainly consider modifying child...
I would need more facts but you have not described a situation where the orders are permanent. You can always go into court for an ex parte hearing. The question is will the judge find that you have enough of a time-sensitive issue or emergency to merit ex parte relief. If the judge does not find that you have such an emergency requiring immediate relief, you can always ask for an order shortening time so you can be heard sooner rather than in the usual course.
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Given his lack of participation in your son's life, I think he's making empty threats. Moreover, in some venues such as San Diego, your son would be able to tell the FCS Mediator what his preferences are as to custody and visitation. His opinion in those venues would be given some weight. Thus, Iagree with the advice given that you should get some orders. Moreover, if he ever does enlist in the Air Force you can fax your order to the Defense Finance and Accounting Service (DFAS) and have...
The Family Resolution Conference just recently used to be called a Case Management Conference. The court will inquire as to the status of the case and possibly set it for a Mandatory Settlement Conference or trial if the parties are ready. Your question seems more geared towards FCS Mediation and an OSC. Do not take the FCS mediation lately. You might even want to go over your case with a former FCS mediator -- there are some out there that you can consult with about your case.
You should definitley hire an attorney. If you are not able to hire an attorney, there are domestic violence clinics at various courthouses in California. It would seem that at minimum you should pursue supervised visitation for him.
I agree that you should definitely speak to your husband asap about this situation. While it is understandable that you would normally want to be supportive of your husband, you also have a duty your daughter to keep her safe. I hope this situation does not turn into a situation where you have to choose between what is best for your daughter and what is best for your marriage. I think it is clear that your duty to your minor child should be your primary concern.