You need to file for child support in addition to child custody. With an order in place the legal system will be able to put pressure on him to pay support on a regular basis. A lawyer will be able to help you through this process.
To clarify, there is a difference between owning the home and occupying the home. If there is some kind of order keeping the other person out of the home for the protection of the child, he or she may not be able to stay in the house, but he or she would still have a legal ownership interest in the house.
Spousal support is determined on a case by case basis. Being married for 34 years and having never worked are two good facts to support a spousal maintenance request.
Separately, retirement accounts are generally considered a marital asset and subject to fair and equitable division in a divorce.
These are both big issues. I strongly suggest retaining the services of a local divorce lawyer to make sure you get what you're entitled to.
Once the divorce process is started via service she may not remove your from insurance. Prior to the divorce she may, although you could try to argue that she put it back on if she did it in contemplation of an upcoming divorce.
This is interesting. A lawyer would likely need to review the facts closely. If the income is at regular intervals and dependable, it may be considered income for the purpose of child support calculations.
You could attempt a harassment restraining order to try to get her to stop the monitoring behavior. If you feel your son is being endangered or neglected you could motion to modify custody or in the most extreme contact child protective services.
It sounds like this is a classic "marital vs. non-marital property" issue. It will be fact-intensive and does not really lend itself to a quick answer. The entire property situation would need to be thoroughly reviewed and it's possible even after the review some of the points of contention may still be arguable.