The ultimate decision belongs to the judge. The probation officer makes a recommendation, but the judge may or may not follow the recommendation. If he wants a bond on the VOP, a motion to set bond should be filed and set for hearing. Good luck.
If she will not agree to sign a settlement agreement, you need to file for divorce. You are probably about to be involved in a very contested divorce. It is important to consult with an experienced local family law attorney.
I would need more facts about what happened during the traffic stop. There may be a possible Motion to Suppress the marijuana. If it's not suppressed, possession of marijuana is punishable by a year in jail, but you are probably looking at probation or a diversion program, depending on your prior record. Contact a local criminal defense attorney to discuss your case.
If it's a CMC with a case manager it's usually pretty easy. Call the case manager and let him or her know you would like to appear by phone, then file a motion for telephonic appearance. I would also suggest consulting with a local family law attorney.
Legal expenses are usually awarded when one spouse is in a much better financial position than the other, or when one spouse unnecessarily causes excessive legal fees. If one spouse wants a divorce, you will be divorced. I do not know of any statutory or case law that requires a spouse to pay legal fees just because the other spouse did not want the divorce.
Qualifying for a public defender is based on income and assets. Have you tried to consult with a local criminal defense attorney, or are you assuming the retainer would be so high? If you haven't done so, set up an initial consultation with a local criminal criminal defense attorney.